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Date: 2016-09-13 03:19
Subject: hello (from the other side?) <-haha bad reference. baaad.
Security: Public
Tags:reflections, sleepy
work feels so much like work but all i want to do today is regain my humanity
forget ortho, forget trying to please supervisors or get that knowledge in or those PEs perfect
most of the time i don't even feel like a human anymore - just a machine carrying out duties that i "have to do"
where is the feeling, the love, the sense of purpose that comes from knowing what i do is in God's will?

warm smells, music that remind me of 2 years ago, when i also liked you and it was taking over my life and i was emoing over it like crazy, but my feelings hadn't taken a leap off the edge yet and when i would still go back to God

these have happened since then:
-losing my ability to feel; whole saga over whether or not i have depression/dysthymia
-medical school eating up my life especially m3
-some degree of isolation and walling parts of myself off from friends; I'm much less open now
-also inability/unwillingness to write texts/cards as personal or encourage members so much anymore
-self realization about many of my flaws - through friendship problems, service problems and especially m3
-glenn and then orange again
-other issues eg attitude towards food and what i end up doing when i emo too much/can't sleep.

i really feel like i've become much worse a person in general, though i have grown in many ways. i know it's foolish to want to go back though, and i know God definitely put me through whatever i've been through for a reason. and however i changed, however it's affected me and caused me to struggle, it's also for a reason. even though it's really very painful to see my own self degenerating like this and to always be feeling so useless because i don't even feel like my life is bad enough to warrant such degeneration.. i just feel like i'm not strong enough. but maybe God really wanted me to see just how weak and dependent on His grace i am. to break me, so that i would lean fully on Him. to do not my own will, but His; and to surrender myself completely to it.

how hard it is to learn that lesson!

i thought i learnt that in JC already, that i already had a hard time then. but God has definitely shown me how ignorant and proud i was then in the successes He had given me. i failed to truly see that i was nothing then and am nothing now, even though i always told that to myself. haha you never really understand until God puts you through it.

and i am up reflecting at 2am again (even though i probably started writing this post at 2pm+ in the afternoon? haha) and i should sleep soon because i know that lack of sleep makes you emo even more

but i feel even worse nowadays because i think orange is really happening, after 4.5 years of hoping and getting disappointed and giving up and ignoring it and waiting and finally reigniting it and more waiting.. but it's just here at possibly one of the worst points of my life, when i'm possibly feeling less in control than i ever have been (besides maybe the point where dysthymia peaked but life wasn't so busy then and i could actually afford to think about it). and while it makes me happy and i can't help but keep longing for it to happen, i do feel very bad for struggling with so many things and for not being as close to God as i should be/was, because i know one affects the other and one shouldn't be getting themselves into anything like this unless they're ready and stable and close to God. right? oh but i do want it to happen

hence i am troubled

or was it God's plan to let me deteriorate to this state before anything happened? that i would not be prideful and lord over him
or was it God's plan to let this happen right when i've deteriorated to this state? to wake me up and get me back to what i should be

i just know i used to teach/tell/force myself to love more purely. to be more selfless and just desire his good, even if nothing came out of it for me. thank God i did, and thank God it did also become for his good. but nowadays.. i feel like i just want the emotional high. selfishness instead of selflessness, which is, quite plainly, wrong. where is the substance? where is the God-pleasingness, God's will in all this? i can't decide before God decides. i can't run ahead of God's revealed will. i know that for sure.

so by extension, i know for sure that the kind of thoughts i think now is wrong. and to be honest i know i like the familiarity but i really don't know enough about him to judge.. he hasn't exactly proven himself either (not that i am brilliant or anything, but it's still necessary - just means we are probably both not ready)

although the prospect of waiting even longer after it's starting to happen and after all these years is just a bit :(


but God will prepare both sides when it is time. and i do have so many other things to right in my life, & responsibilities & things to do & serve God in. in church and in school especially. really gotta take care of my testimony in school. teach me o Lord to wait

there is much more that i can reflect on, but oh well guess that's enough for today. it was nice reflecting with you after so long, lj.

i am just going to end off this post with this song because justin sent it to me (thank God for justin he's been such an encouragement) and because it reminds me of better days and i loved it then and i love it now for the same reason because it's reminded me of the everlasting fountain of strength from the Lord our God when i'm in a tough and troubled place (thank God for choir)

The Lord is the everlasting God
The Creator of the ends of the earth
Who does not faint or grow weary
Whose understanding is unsearchable
God gives power to the faint
And strengthens the powerless
Even youths shall faint and be weary
And the young shall fall exhausted
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength
They shall mount up with wings as eagles
They shall run and not be weary
They shall wa-a-a-a-a-alk and not faint
Hast thou not seen? hast thou not heard?
Hast thou not known?

ps. i still dk if i should share that article on fb
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Date: 2013-07-25 16:41
Subject: (:
Security: Public
The bible describes God as a refiner who sits to refine the silver (Malachi 3:3). A woman asked the refiner how he refined precious metal to further understand this passage. The refiner told her the importance of keeping the metal in the fire for the right length of time. "Keep it too long in the fire and you destroy the metal; keep it too short and the metal is not refined properly. "Why do you have to sit?" asked the woman to which he replied, "I have to sit so that i can watch the metal closely. I don't take my eyes off it, and i must take it out of the fire at the right time." "And how do you know when is the right time?" was the next question. The refiner explained, "That's quite easy, when i see my face reflected on the metal, i know it is time to take it off the fire".

heh maybe God's face just isn't reflected on me enough now!
more love for God, more faith, more of the right focus - on heavenly treasures that nothing else can measure up to.
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Date: 2012-04-06 17:08
Subject: I just read something really cool
Security: Public
The man who says he is kept away from religion by hypocrites is not influenced by them anywhere else. 
Business is full of them, but if he sees a chance at making money he does not stop for that. 
Society is crowded with them, and yet he never thinks of becoming a hermit. 
Married life is full of them, but that doesn't make him remain a bachelor. 
Hell is full of them, and yet he doesn't do a thing to keep himself from going there. 
He wants to have you think that he is trying to avoid the society of hypocrites, and yet he takes not a single step toward Heaven, the only place where no hypocrites can go!

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Date: 2011-11-22 00:24
Subject: Beautiful
Security: Public
Tags:via ljapp

Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Date: 2011-10-22 21:34
Subject: ‘ڢ’
Security: Public
I really like that emoticon.
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Date: 2011-08-05 21:51
Subject: <3!
Security: Public
Tags:quotes, reminders
"If the most precious are tried in the fire, are we to escape the crucible? If the diamond must be vexed upon the wheel, are we to be made perfect without suffering? Who hath commanded the wind to cease from blowing because our bark is on the deep? Why and wherefore should we be treated better than our Lord? The firstborn felt the rod, and why not the younger brethren? It is a cowardly pride which would choose a downy pillow and a silken couch for a soldier of the cross. Wiser far is he who, being first resigned to the divine will, groweth by the energy of grace to be pleased with it, and so learns to gather lilies at the cross foot, and, like Samson, to find honey in the lion."

really beautiful paragraph (:
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Date: 2011-06-13 00:09
Subject: Nothing but Leaves
Security: Public
 'The time of harvest was ended,
And the summer of life was gone,
When in from the fields came the reapers,
Called home by the dip of the sun;
I saw them each bearing a burden
Of toilsomely gathered sheaves;
They brought them in love to the Master,
But I could bring nothing but leaves.
The years that He gave I had wasted,
Nor thought I how soon they would fly,
While others toiled hard for the harvest,
I carelessly let them slip by;
I idled about without purpose,
Nor cared I, but now how it grieves;
While others brought fruit to their Master,
I found I had nothing but leaves.
Then soon from my dream I was wakened,
And sad was my heart, for I knew
That though my life's day was not over,
Ere long I should bid it adieu.
I started in shame and in sorrow,
I turned from the sin that deceives;
Henceforth I must toil for the Saviour
Or maybe bring nothing but leaves.'
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Date: 2011-05-25 22:34
Subject: this is an impulse post
Security: Public
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Date: 2011-05-10 00:36
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
Am I a bad friend?
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Date: 2011-04-27 22:17
Security: Public
Tags:his way is perfect!, tee hee, yessssss.
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September 2016